You Had Time
by Celeb Ryu
Summary: Ellie's thoughts as Sean comes to pick up his things. Post BIB with refrences to other upcoming episodes. One Shot Songifc to "You Had Time" by Ani Difranco


Ah, insomnia is such inspiration. Well, not exactly, but I was inspired none the less. I do not own Degrassi, or Ellie and Sean. For that matter, I also don't own the song "You Had Time", that belongs to the talented Ani Difranco. This is a post Back in Black fic, of what might happen when Sean comes to pick up his stuff. (I know in Neutron Dance it shows Ellie shipping the stuff, but let's just adjust things a little, shall we?). Ellie's POV. Slight references/spoilers to upcoming episodes that have yet to be shown in America.

You Had Time By Celeb Ryu 

_How can I go home  
with nothing to say  
I know you're going to look at me that way_

We sit in the car, silent as can be. I've missed you so much since you left, yet now that you're here, there's nothing left to say. We spent the day catching up, you even went to the Dot, facing the public you were striving to avoid. You look at me like you're expecting something. You already know where I stand on things Sean. You know exactly how I feel. I love you, more then any other person on earth. I would do anything for you. I only want to help you. I'm even willing to wait for you, if that is so needed. So it's up to you. You can't really expect anything more from me.

_and say what did you do out there  
and what did you decide  
you said you needed time  
and you had time_

Finally, to break the silence, you begin talking. You tell me about how things have been with your parents. How they've still been drinking, but they've promised to start AA meetings, that they're trying to work on it this time, because they know you "need" them. You tell me that you've decided to stay there for the rest of the school year, possibly longer. You say you need time to work things out. Well it's been two months Sean you've had time. I feel tears form in my eyes somewhat, but I brush them away. I am Ellie Nash. I may be the resident psychopath but I'm not a baby, I won't cry. And then suddenly, the need to has passed anyways. Weird.

_You are a china shop  
and I am a bull  
you are really good food  
and I am full_

We tear each other up, don't we? We're both so fragile, yet so destructive at the same time. Yet I can't get enough of your earthquakes. You leave me satisfied; yet I always want more. Yet this time I know it might not be the right time. Maybe this car ride, these last fleeting moments with you, are going to have to be enough. It's nice just to be in your presence now. Everyone else has someone to comfort them. Ashley and Craig have one another, Spinner, though he doesn't deserve it, has Manny, Paige has that student teacher person, Emma has Jay, in a very complicated sort of way. All I ever had was you. And you left. But now you're back, if only for a moment. So I'm at peace, if only for a moment.

_I guess everything is timing  
I guess everything's been said  
so I am coming home with an empty head_

As we pull into our driveway (Or is it just my driveway now? I don't know…) you lean into me and kiss me gently. Instantly I melt. Then you pull away and we both exit the car, saying nothing. What is there to say? We love each other, and we need each other. But apparently you need something else right now. Something I can't give you, which kills me more then you would believe. Maybe that's why I feel so empty as we walk into the home we once shared.

_You'll say did they love you or what  
I'll say they love what I do  
the only one who really loves me is you_

I tell you how Ashley and Marco have been taking turns to come here and check up on me since you left. You smile, saying that they must really care about me to go so out of the way for a friend like that. No, they just like what I do. I'm the only one that'll listen to them gush about their romance problems without judgment or bitterness getting in the way. The only one who ever loved me was you Sean. Can't you see that? You complete me. I just hope this separation isn't permanent. If it was, I think I would fall apart. I mean more then I already have. I've started cutting again, but I would never let you know that. You would blame yourself. I would hate that. Really, the only one to blame is me, it's not your fault that I have so many problems.

_and you'll say girl did you kick some butt  
and I'll say I don't really remember  
but my fingers are sore  
and my voice is too_

And you ask if I blew everyone away with my latest piece for the grapevine, or my latest project from Caitlin. I come out clean and honest with you, I don't remember. Everything's been hazy lately. But my fingers are sore from typing and doing God knows what else. And my voice is weak from crying so hard every night. The bed seems empty without you. And upon thinking about that, I start crying again. I always told myself I would never get this attached to someone, especially not a guy. Apparently, I was wrong about that.

_You'll say it's really good to see you  
You'll say I missed you horribly  
You'll say let me carry that__  
Give that to me_

As we enter the house I feel the familiar warmth of your arms wrapping around me to comfort me. I lie my head on your shoulders as you tell me how much you missed me. Your hands come up to wipe away my tears as you tell me how thinking of me has been the only thing keeping you sane lately. I want this moment to last forever. I don't want you to leave again. I don't know if I could handle you leaving again. But sadly, you eventually break away and start picking up the boxes of your things. Insisting on carrying it all by yourself. Oh Sean, you know you never needed to prove your manliness to me. When I tell you that you just chuckle softly, shaking your head.

_and you will take the heavy stuff  
and you will drive the car  
and I'll look out the window making jokes  
about the way things are_

You carry all the boxes out and load them into the car before turning to me once more. You say you have enough time to get some dinner before going back to Wasaga Beach. So back in the car we go. As we drive in the car silence begins to take over again, so I start making jokes about the stupid stuff. Like how Emma and Jay used to hate one another, but had some sort of thing going on now. Or that Ashley and Craig were together, again, and just as turbulent as before, but in a very different way. I also make a small joke about the irony of Spinner being shunned the way Rick once was. But I realize that the subject is still too touchy, so I fall silent once more. We pull into the Dot where we share some Chilli Fries, talking to each other every once in a while. It was nice, familiar, yet something was missing. I can't place what though.

_  
How can I go home  
with nothing to say  
I know you're going to look at me that way_

And how can I just sit here in the car, saying nothing? Most girls would beg, plead, for you to stay, if they were in my shoes. But I've never been the begging sort really. As you pull into the driveway you give me a look similar to the one you had that day you decided to stay in Wasaga Beach. You looked as if you were about to break. You lean your head against the wheel, about to cry here in our driveway. Now it's my turn to hug and comfort you. At least you're letting me do it before. No more lashing out like before.

_And say what did you do out there  
and what did you decide  
you said you needed time  
and you had time_

Finally, after all this time you start telling me about your feelings, about the guilt you've felt over Rick's death, and for leaving me. You tell me that when you came back, you thought you'd be ready to stay, but too many things came flashing back at once. You're not ready you tell me. You tell me you need time. Well, you had time Sean. But if you need more, I'll wait. After all, what else is there for me to do?

-----------

Wow, much different the other Degrassi fanfic I wrote, but I like it. If you've never heard "You Had Time" by Ani Difranco, I suggest you download it or something. It's truly one of the most gorgeous songs I've ever heard. Reviews are as always appreciated and wanted.


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